After all this time , I'm still into you

Had this competition called " Mahsiswa " , and I won the gold medal at the height of 155cm . Hahaha , that was a good comeback ehh ?

But every step of the way , my boyfriend was right there supporting me , just him . My parents couldn't come , cause I told them not too . Not because I wanted to be with him , but because I didn't want to see them being let down by me . When it's infront of them , doing the best just isn't enough , it always has to be a win-win situation .

But when he's there , just watching me .. he gives me that kind of strength where you just can't keep retelling it in your brain , " I CAN DO THIS SHIT " .

I still remember what I said to my ex , saying " oh , I'll never be with this guy " , bla bla bla . 

But now I'm with him , and I'm the happiest girl alive . I've never had a boyfriend who introduced me to his family before , it's always me introducing him to my family . Now it's just so common to go out with his family , just watching movie and laughing . 

See , it's not just him that I'm inlove with , it's his whole family . This part of me inside just waiting to be a part of his family.

With my family , I could see him trying to communicate with them , eventhough he rarely speaks English . Even my brother tries to speak bm , and its just so sweet to hear them having a conversation . He treats my family like they're already his . You don't see guys do that anymore .

He stopped using facebook but stalks me on twitter and instagram by asking his brother's girlfriend to follow me . He's so cute . 

There's this one time where we had this massive dispute over something , and I told him to come to my place to give me back his ring . I was sort of joking at the part of him coming from his brother's by train , because it was too far . But he did , and I was literally shocked . When he handed over his ring , he pulled my handbrake and asked if I still loved him . The cars behind honked and I got so mad and told him to get in the car and parked at the side . 

It was just pure silence between us . All he did was touch my hair and said sorry , and I cried . Funny part was , he wiped all the mucus away from my nose so did he with my tears . He kissed me on the forehead and I giggled . After that , everything was okay . 

Most of my relationship never last because I think that they let me go too easily . Whereas with him , he doesn't . 9 months , and not once have we split , and I've been his friend for more than 2 years , where he has been trying for me for almost a year , Alhamdulillah . It's kinda common in my relationship to be " on and off " . I don't have this moment where I want to just push him away to get " some space " . It always feels like it's just not enough , where he has to be constantly infront of my face .

The competition I had today , he was going around telling my teammate " Hi , I'm her boyfriend " . Now everyone's calling him " boyfriend " , hahahahah

When I slept on my couch , and he laid down on the floor , he combed through my hair with his fingers constantly . It felt really nice being loved by someone whom you thought you'd never fall , the first time you met them . 

Talking about him makes me want to cry , cause it just makes me all soft inside , and this strong person that I'm trying to be by keeping all my emotions from the rest of the world just falls apart when I see him .

I can't say I've never fell for someone this much before , because I did once . But this time it's different , because I want to be able to say good night instead of goodbyes . 

He makes me a better person by having me to let my feelings out and  not having so much hate inside . 

I could write a whole lot more just talking about him and it still wouldn't be enough to describe how much he means to me .

Give it a little more time , and we'll get there . 

PS , I told my mum that I didn't mind getting married at such an early age , cause I've met the one I've been looking for .

Out of My Comfort Zone

Have you ever asked someone on their first point of view about you ? I did , and what tremendous views I got .

They say I have the face of a proud peacock , too proud to talk or to say hi to people . Thing is I think I'm not . I'm more of a shy and scared person instead of being over the moon with myself . It's not that I like isolating myself from the crowds . It's just that it's more safe that way .

My sister keeps on saying that I have so much confidence in me . To be honest , I can barely walk with my face upright , it's always facing the ground . I bet no one notices that huh ? Yeah .. they're so judgemental . 

What about saying hi ? Well , when my fears starts accumulating inside , my eyes starts looking down when the person I know walks pass me . I don't say " hi " because I'm too afraid of not getting that same respond back . Then my ego steps in indicating that if that person doesn't say hi or smile back at you , your reputation's ruined .

That's just it , the feeling of fear and egoness is my big problem . It's what keeps me isolated from the world .

I like to do my own thing by my own . I dislike people interfering with what I'm doing . But then again , I hate being left out , hate being so alone .. I just hate that .

Yesterday , when some guy opened the door for me and I said thank you . He thought I didn't because as usual , my face was looking at the ground again . I gotta stop doing that . Mum said I used to be this happy-go-lucky child . What happened to that child ?

The older I get , the less spirit I have in me . Just like a walking zombie with no soul .

Wish I was a child again with no broken dreams .

Arafat Mudir ♥

March 30th 1995 ~ January 6th 2013
00:30

We read the newspaper and see the news on tv almost everyday , yet all the deaths that was announce just never seem to hit us in our heads that it can happen to anybody .

You see that guy in the picture ? He's my best friend and he was 17 at the time . We were on our way back from SUKMA , Pahang . 

Throughout the whole Sukma thing , I was upset and depressed because I didn't really perform well and my crush wasn't even there to cheer me up . But instead he was there , all the way cheering me up , reminding me that everything's gonna be okay .

He's the kind of guy who puts his friends first before putting himself . We always told him to think for himself but he would just smile . But he seldom talk about his problems to any of his friends unless he was force to  .

The story in that picture : I was upset and I just couldn't smile . He bought a Terengganu ball and acted like he proposed to me . But what he actually said was : " Sudikah kau senyum ? " . And I just laughed the whole way back to our school .

We got even closer during SPM , when he was going through difficulties and he asked for my help with science . Everytime he came up to me with questions I would always block everyone around me and focused at him cause I wanted him to succeed just like how he always told me . 

The day before science paper , he called me up and asked for my help one last time . I was actually sleeping at the time but I wanted to help him just like how he always helped me with my problems . I sat with him one whole evening just going through questions after questions . I could see it in his face that he wanted this so badly and that made me want to help him even more . 


After the paper , he checked through my paper and almost all his answers were like mine and he was smiling ear to ear . That was one of the first time I saw him smiling that wide . 

The last time I saw him was on a Friday , he was at the place where the badminton players train and I was outside . He waved goodbye at me . Then I received a phone call from one of my senior the next day to find out later that he was not with us anymore , that he's now at a better place .

I still remember how he calls me " I'm yours " everytime he sees me . That's because he watched my performance in school where I sang " I'm yours " by Jason Mraz . 

I still see you running in the track with all the other hurdlers . It's still a shock even after a week from this date that I won't be able to contact you anymore .

You will forever be remembered by everyone , cause you helped a lot of people and you don't know how nice that is . 

Semoga Allah meletakkan kamu di kalangan orang yang beriman . Al-Fatihah to me best friend , Arafat b. Mudir , the best friend anyone could ask for in the world 


PS , I miss you ♥